During my time at the health care facility, I became acquainted with an elderly gentleman. We became good friends, and remain good friends to this day. I visit with him several times a week, when time allows, and we talk on the telephone.

The problem is, his family doesn’t like that I am a homosexual male and that I have such a close relationship with him. He does not want me to stop visiting, nor do I want to. What can I do to make everyone relax, so he and I can still remain good friends without someone disapproving? — Unappreciated Friend

Dear Friend: I wish I understood exactly what the family’s objection is to your friendship with this person. Are they afraid you are after his money? Or are they incapable of understanding that homosexuals can (and do!) have platonic friendships with straight folks?

If you and that gentleman want to remain friends, you may have to grow a thicker skin. You cannot please everyone, and whether his family “approves” is beside the point. I hope you will keep doing what you have been doing because it is beneficial for that man to have a friend he can count on.

Dear Abby: My sister, who is quite a bit older than me, was married to a man for more than 20 years. He was a part of my family from the time I was 3. When I was a teenager, he made a “move” on me, which was disgusting because I trusted him. My family swept it under the rug and downplays it to this day. If that wasn’t enough, I twice caught him cheating on my sister. They eventually divorced.

As an adult, I want nothing to do with him. However, my sister and mother insist on him being involved in our important gatherings. I feel they completely disregard my feelings, and I have since removed myself from those gatherings. I feel cheated, but they say it’s “necessary” for him to be around their shared children, and they keep trying to make me feel like I am being unreasonable. Am I? — Little Sister in Tennessee

Dear Sister: You are not unreasonable; you are pragmatic. You come from a family that prefers to ignore misbehavior rather than confront and deal with it. I don’t know if you have had psychotherapy, but from what you have written you might have — and with a very competent therapist.
Enforcing boundaries is not unreasonable. While your sister and mother may prefer hiding their heads in the sand “for the sake of the children,” who by now should be pretty close to adulthood, you have every right to keep your distance. From my perspective, what you are doing is healthy.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

Both my parents died last year. I was walking on eggshells the entire time. My brothers and sisters seemed to think that I was now a member of the family. They included me in events and told me they loved me. I was so hopeful.

After my mother’s death, I was cut out of the family again. I’m no longer invited to family celebrations or holidays. I am heartbroken and lonely. I have no one left. Family is so important to me. I am embarrassed to admit I am now estranged from everyone. Can you help? — Black Sheep in Kentucky

Dear Black Sheep: Unfortunately, your experience is not unique. I hear it more and more, in one variation or another. It is now time for you to build a family of your own, comprised of friendships with people you can trust. Many people do this, and when they do, find themselves happier and more rewarded than they felt with their relatives.

As you do this, do not look back. Begin not by asking for friendship, but by being honest and befriending others. Look around, and you will see them everywhere. There’s no shame in reaching out, so please do not feel embarrassed about being a member of a very large “club.”

Dear Abby: I’m a Realtor and managing broker helping my fiance’s son, “Mark,” buy a new home. We’re set to close next month. Tonight, my fiance, “Simon,” told me I am not to keep any of my commission — that Mark expects me to give it all to him. Granted, I was planning to give Mark a token of appreciation — a few hundred dollars, perhaps — but not my entire commission!

I told Simon he must have misunderstood, that this is my JOB, my work. No one gives someone their entire paycheck, do they? I don’t think there’s any way Mark would expect 100% of my commission, but Simon says if I don’t agree, there will be “consequences.”

Our relationship is already strained, and I feel this is not only over the top but also completely disrespectful. I’m trying not to rock the boat with the holidays coming up. Please help me. — On the Spot in Illinois

Dear On the Spot: Sometimes it’s better to confront a problem than to ignore it for fear of what you might find out. This is one of those times. Tell your fiance to explain EXACTLY what he meant by “consequences” if you don’t agree to his son’s unreasonable demand. Listen carefully to what he has to say.

If you give in to emotional blackmail this time, it’s only a taste of what you will receive from him and his son in the future. If there is a wedding planned anytime soon, I urge you to slam on the brakes until this matter is ironed out to your satisfaction.

A GENTLE REMINDER TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: Tonight, wee witches and goblins will be out trick-or-treating. Please supervise them closely so they’ll be safe. Happy Halloween, everyone! — Love, ABBY

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

My nephew doesn’t want to invite these family members to his wedding. My brother-in-law says he will speak to them beforehand to warn them about their alcohol intake, but he insists he won’t attend the wedding if these family members aren’t invited. Neither one is budging, and what is supposed to be a happy occasion is becoming a battleground. Please offer some words of advice that will work for all. — Anti-Alcohol Auntie

Dear Auntie: I’ll try. A wedding celebrates more than the joining of two people in matrimony, it is also the joining together of TWO FAMILIES. Sooner or later, your nephew’s wife and in-laws are going to be exposed to these relatives. Because Dad feels so strongly about them being included, and is willing to talk to them about this beforehand, HE should be put in charge of evicting anyone who acts out because they had too much to drink. This solution isn’t perfect, but it may defuse the situation.

Dear Abby: Why is it, as a man who is capable of going to the symphony as well as watching “The Bachelor,” spending a day shooting rifles or sipping wine, having silly conversations or those where I listen (compared to providing feedback), and is an animal lover (but allergic to some), I cannot attract the women I want? What do you think? — Confused in Tennessee

Dear Confused: If you start looking for candidates who enjoy the symphony and/or watching “The Bachelor,” shooting rifles and sipping wine, enjoy conversation and have a particular affinity for an animal to which you are NOT allergic, you may find someone who thinks you are interesting and attractive.

Although you listed the various interests YOU have, not once did you mention any qualities you would like a prospective mate to have. You might find it helpful to concentrate on that for a while. Emotional compatibility should be at the top of the list.

Dear Abby: We lost our daughter to gun violence, horribly, publicly and violently. We were the subject of news, speculation and gossip. It was several years ago, but people still ask for “details” and ask intrusive questions. It drives me up the wall and hurts my heart. I still struggle with how to respond to these people. What should I say? — Don’t Want to Talk About It

Dear Don’t: Please accept my sympathy for your tragic loss. Consider responding this way: “I’m sure you mean well, but I do not want to discuss this with you, now or ever. Please don’t ask again.”

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

I planned to surprise her with a ring this year, but things changed around my birthday. She spent that weekend away with co-workers (I agreed she should go because she doesn’t normally have time to hang out), but when she came back, things were different.

We didn’t talk for two weeks, and when we did, she gave me this crazy story about taking in a friend who had been abused by her husband and sheltering her and their two kids. Then she told me she took in her biological father, with whom she had spoken only once in 30 years.
After that wild story, we didn’t speak for three months. When we did, I asked her what we’re doing and what she wants. She said she wanted to break up, but didn’t want to lose me, so we agreed to meet at a hotel to decide how we’d go forward.

Abby, she never showed up, and she has stopped communicating altogether. She still follows me on social media, so she isn’t mad at me, but I have been depressed ever since. What do I do? — Ghosted in New York

Dear Ghosted: I am a firm believer in patterns of behavior. Your girlfriend’s behavior changed when she chose to spend your birthday weekend with her co-workers. (I will assume they were girlfriends.) Whatever happened that weekend, she had a change of heart about her romance with you, but rather than own up to it, she wasn’t honest.
What you must do is admit to yourself that this person is not who you thought she was, and recognize that you will spare yourself more pain and anxiety if you block her on your social media. She may not want to “lose” you, but from where I sit, she ditched you when she stood you up at the hotel. Please accept my sympathy.

Dear Abby: My wife and I have been happily married for 33 years. We have always enjoyed a good sex life, which continues to this day. The problem is our libidos are going in different directions — and probably not the direction most would assume. While mine is beginning to diminish as I age, my wife’s is increasing. Where our previous frequency was every other day, my wife now wants to have sex every day. I just do not have it in me anymore! I’m 61, and she is 59. Any suggestions? — Diminished in Minnesota

Dear Diminished: I am glad you asked, because I do have one. Ask your doctor to refer you and your wife to a licensed sex therapist. Couples can pleasure one another in ways other than sexual intercourse, and a sex therapist can explain to both of you what your options are.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

She offered — I didn’t ask — to make me a quilt from T-shirts I had collected over the years from various places I had been. So I cut the logos/graphics off the shirts and mailed them to her. She told me it would take her only a week to make the quilt. That was two years ago. It has been a year since I drove six hours each way to deliver my cross-stitch gift to her, and she still hasn’t made the quilt.

I have since moved even farther away. I miss home, and I really want the quilt. I have asked her about it several times. The quilt would mean so much to me, especially now that I’m more than 1,000 miles away, but she keeps making empty promises about finishing it. Meanwhile, she has found the time to create crochet and cross-stitch items for her extended family and remodel her kitchen.

I’m so hurt about the whole thing that I’d like to ask her to return the T-shirt pieces to me. At least that way I could hire someone to make me the quilt. Am I being unreasonable? — Waiting in the South

Dear Waiting: What you are considering is not only reasonable, but also rational. The next time you and your friend chat, tell her you understand what a busy person she is. Explain that you would like her to find the time to return the fabric you sent so you can make other arrangements to have the quilt made. Smile when you say it so your tone will be “warm and friendly.” That way, the friendship can continue if you wish.

Dear Abby: At the beginning of the year, I broke up with my boyfriend. I went to a clinic to get tested for STDs, and everything turned out fine. A few months later, I started dating another guy I’d met last year. Everything was great until I realized he is HIV-positive. When I asked him, he denied it.

When I returned to the clinic to get tested again, I was told I am now HIV-positive. We had been using protection, but stopped. I haven’t told my family yet, but he knows. How can I give my family this news? — Loved But Confused

Dear Loved: Before you make any announcements to your family, schedule an appointment with your physician to discuss this diagnosis. You need to be put on antiviral medication as soon as possible. If you are still with this loser, he should be put on medication as well. Not only does his life depend on it, but he could infect many more partners.
Once you have begun the treatment your doctor prescribes, inform your family. Do not be shocked if they want you to put the person who failed to mention he is HIV-positive and then infected you in the rear-view mirror.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

Paul has been different since Bruiser’s death. He has zero interest in anything physical. To me, touch is important — not just sex. There’s shared intimacy in holding someone’s hand or kissing. I feel like a plant that’s wilting with no sun. I know Paul is struggling, but I don’t know how to help him through. We talked about it once, but other than acknowledging he’s struggling, he has done nothing further.

I don’t want to force the issue, but time is precious. I know what it’s like to struggle with depression, and I recognize the signs, but he won’t get help. How can I support him through this and get over my selfishness? — In the Dark in New York

Dear In the Dark:  Tell Paul you know he is hurting because since Bruiser’s death, his behavior has changed. Explain that he may be depressed — AND WITH GOOD REASON — and that it might help him to contact his veterinarian and ask if there are grief support groups for pet owners who have lost their furry family member. His vet may be able to suggest one or more. However, if that doesn’t appeal to Paul, he should consider talking to his doctor because he is exhibiting some classic signs of depression. After that, the ball’s in hiscourt.

Dear Abby: I am one of nine children who all still get along. One sibling belongs to a religious order. At least one (for sure) is not a Christian. One is a born-again Christian. One of us is gay and married. We are not all of the same political persuasion. Yet somehow, after all these years, we have managed to get along and still gather for family fun, whether it’s a holiday or just a cookout. We don’t all live in the same state, but more often than not, most of us are there.

There’s no secret to us still loving as well as liking each other. We simply respect each other’s opinions and realize that although we don’t always agree, it’s not worth cutting out of our lives someone we have known “forever.” I can’t imagine losing even one sibling over a silly disagreement. That’s not to say we haven’t had arguments, because we have certainly had our share, but we simply take the high road and agree to disagree. I love my siblings with all my heart. Just wanted to share an uplifting note with you. — No Problems Here

Dear No Problems: Most of the mail I receive concerns relationships that fractured because of a lack of respect for someone’s feelings. Thank you for your, frankly, refreshing letter. If more people emulated your family’s example, this world would be a happier, less complicated place in which to live. I wish your attitude were contagious.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

I chose to forgive Trey because we were starting a family and I felt I owed it to my baby to at least try. But I constantly think about the things I saw on his phone, and I don’t trust him. If I even think about him going out somewhere without me, I get terribly anxious.

I’m not going to lie. I wasn’t a saint throughout our relationship, but when I got pregnant, I was all about Trey and our family. I love him, but I can’t seem to be happy. We are polar opposites. I’m affectionate and love my family. He’s dry and doesn’t care for my family or his. I also feel we resent each other. Sometimes, I want to break up with him so I can find someone I can trust and have peace with, but then I feel guilty.

Our son is a daddy’s boy. He loves Trey and is always asking for Daddy when his father is out or at work. It would break my heart for my son not to see him as often as he does with us living together. My parents were never together, and I always said if I had a child, I’d make sure that child had their mom and dad together. But I’m not happy with my relationship. Please give me some advice. — Failing in New Jersey

Dear Failing: Talk to Trey. Tell him how you feel and why. Has he continued to see other women? How does he feel about the status of your relationship? How important is it to him to be front and center in his son’s life?

The two of you are not married, thank heavens, so separating would not be complicated or costly from a legal perspective. Of course, he would have to support his child financially, and so would you. You both deserve to be happy, and don’t be surprised if you learn that Trey feels the same way about your relationship.

Dear Abby: I have a daughter and two granddaughters, 16 and 24. I live with my daughter, her boyfriend and my younger granddaughter. My daughter and my oldest granddaughter got into a heated argument over the phone about something the boyfriend posted on social media. They are no longer speaking and have blocked each other’s phone calls.
I feel lost. We used to all three spend one Saturday a month together, go on vacations and have family dinners on holidays. How do I get over this? — Missing It in Maryland

Dear Missing It: A way to get past this would be to extend your social life beyond your immediate family. If you do, you will have more distraction and less time to brood about something that you cannot control. You can still see your older granddaughter separately if you wish, just not under the same circumstances as before until this blows over.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

I went for the physical exam. I was not asked to undress as I have been with all my previous doctors. The doctor seemed nice, but I found it strange that I wasn’t examined physically. I find it hard to understand how a doctor could properly examine me without me undressing. The doctor should be used to seeing bodies, and I cannot understand why the doctor or staff were reluctant to ask me to undress.

I found this all very confusing. Perhaps there was some miscommunication? I don’t know if this is unusual, temporary or a new normal that I haven’t heard about. Next time, should I be more clear about wanting to be examined thoroughly, or should I change doctors? — Covered Up in Virginia

Dear Covered Up: Contact the doctor, explain that in the past you have always had a complete physical which involved you disrobing and ask why it didn’t happen during your last visit. If the answer you receive is unsatisfactory, change doctors.

Dear Abby: My husband and I have been married nine years. We are active in our church. I am very involved with our women’s ministry, but my husband has an issue with our leader, “Nedra.” Nedra has bad-mouthed my husband to my face. I went to my pastor with the issue, and I am, basically, waiting on God to fix it.

Our WM team meets multiple times a week, which means I leave my husband home alone for dinner on those nights. (I always make sure he has dinner when I’m not home.) Our meetings can go on for an hour and a half to two hours, and my husband is always upset when I get home from them.

I don’t know what to do. He’s not upset that I’m going to the meetings; he’s upset at how long they last. Nedra doesn’t like him, and he doesn’t like her, especially since he knows what she said about him. I feel stuck in the middle. What do I do? — Lady of Faith in Texas

Dear Lady: If these meetings occur more than twice a week, your husband may have a point. Whether he and Nedra like each other is beside the point, unless what he resents is that you are with that “witch.” He may feel it encroaches on time you should be spending together. It’s time you and your husband have a calm discussion about the frequency and length of those meetings so an acceptable compromise can be reached. Start now.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

I have had many conversations with him about this, begging him not to do it and telling him if he wants to cook, he should make something for himself. His reply is always, “I’m not forcing you guys to eat my food. You are welcome to eat something else.” But when we do that, he sulks and ruins everyone’s day, so we end up giving in. I don’t know how to get through to him about this. — Tastes Bad in the East

Dear Tastes Bad: You can talk till you’re blue in the face, and your husband still won’t get the message because he doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t CARE about the waste.

Of course, you and the kids could explain EXACTLY what you don’t like about what he has prepared, and offer suggestions about the seasoning, etc., which might help him. And perhaps you could all cook together from time to time.

In the future, when your children achieve independence and the family gathers, each family member may want to bring their food with them. However, while they live under your roof, they’ll have to accept what their father insists on giving them.

Dear Abby: My son is getting married in Mexico in six months. I would like to take a special friend with me as my plus-one. My wife has dementia. It is quite severe, and she has been in a care facility for two years. She no longer recognizes anyone, including me. Would it be wrong to take my lady friend to Mexico? We haven’t been intimate yet, but romance at the beach in Mexico is very possible. What do I do? — Uncertain in Iowa

Dear Uncertain: Your son’s wedding is not the time to “surprise” anyone with this lady’s presence. Depending upon how large your family is and how close you all are, some people may already be aware that you’re involved with someone and why. But ask your son and his fiancee if bringing her would be disruptive, and gracefully base your decision on their response. A wedding is supposed to be about the bride and groom on their special day with no distractions.

Dear Abby: I heard my old high school boyfriend was arrested. It made the news. I hadn’t seen or heard from him in more than a decade. While I’m relieved that I dodged a bullet (I am happily married to someone else now), I feel terrible for his mom. We are still friends on social media and keep up with each other. Should I reach out to her in what must be a humiliating and concerning time, or should I keep to myself? — Hesitant in Texas

Dear Hesitant: Because you and this woman have a relationship that extended beyond the one between you and her son, by all means reach out. Tell her you heard what happened, and that you care about her and want to be supportive. She may or may not contact you, but she’ll know you care about her. Knowing someone cares could make all the difference for her.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

My wife knows I enjoy dressing up and tolerates it. But she’s unwilling to let me express myself out of the house or help me with the process. How can I get her to help me get dolled up and experience being a woman for one night? I feel so deprived not being able to be who I want to be. — Dressed and Ready

Dear Dressed: Halloween is the one night of the year when many people, yourself included, can decide to dress up and become who they really are (or would like to be). Because your wife won’t assist you, consider visiting a makeup counter and asking one of the salespeople to help with your makeup that night. And, if nothing in your closet suits the real you, rent or buy an outfit for the occasion. You do not need anyone’s “permission.”

Dear Abby: A very good friend and neighbor sold a Taylor Swift ticket to my 15-year-old daughter for $900. I should mention, my daughter would have given her right arm for the chance to go to the show. The original ticket was purchased for $300, including fees. Initially, my friend wanted to sell it for $1,000, but she offered a “discount” because my daughter’s 16th birthday was coming up.

I can appreciate the value of the hottest ticket in town and that it comes with an inflated price tag. However, from my point of view, it was merely a transaction meant for my friend to make a handsome profit off of my kid. I’m extremely disappointed at the price gouging, and now I think of the woman differently. I have been avoiding her because she will likely become defensive. Am I wrong in thinking her actions were not that of a good friend after all? — Feeling Swindled in the West

Dear Feeling Swindled: Because your neighbor sold the ticket to your daughter at three times what she paid for it, I would have to agree; she acted more like a ticket broker than a good friend. I see no reason why you should cut her off completely, but now you know she’s a shark when it comes to “business,” so keep your eyes open. On the upside, your daughter got to live her dream that night, and many of the fans who saw Taylor Swift in action have said it was the best show of their lives.

Dear Abby: What’s the best way to tell your siblings you think it’s time to stop exchanging Christmas gifts? We’re all in our 60s, and, frankly, I don’t feel they are ever very enthused about what we get them. It just seems like it’s time, anyway. — Done in New York

Dear Done: The best way to convey that message would be verbally, so you can explain that you are all long past childhood and feel a cheery Christmas greeting would suffice. And the best TIME to give them the news would be well before the Christmas holidays.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

Surprisingly, my little sister volunteered to host, and she sent an invitation to the usual crowd. The next day, she called me to tell me that although she would host, she couldn’t possibly be expected to do all that work, and she told me to bring the turkey.

She said I was free to cook it at my place or “come a bit early” to cook it there. Shocked, I told her absolutely not, because avoiding this responsibility was the reason I’m not hosting. I was planning on bringing a side or dessert as is usual for guests, but not the main dish. She got mad and said I was ruining Thanksgiving.

I feel a growing responsibility to help her out, even though I don’t need the stress in my life right now, and I know once I start, I’ll take control (with her encouragement). She has no idea the amount of work that goes into this meal every year, and I think it will be a mess if I don’t help her cook and prepare.

Am I being selfish? Should I go early and teach her how to cook the turkey (and do everything else) for the sake of rescuing this dinner, which everyone has come to expect meets a certain standard? The thought is making me miserable, but I feel myself caving to my sister’s tantrum. — Not Feeling Thankful

Dear Not Feeling: Tell your manipulative sister you will come to her place early and show her how to properly cook the turkey, but you won’t be bringing anything other than the side dish you already plan to bring. (This may be a way to teach her some independence.) If she needs more outside help, she should contact the other guests and tell them what she wants them to bring.

You are a generous and caring sister, but enough is enough. Your Thanksgivings will be happier if you share the responsibility with other relatives. Also, remember that there are easier ways to manage holiday dinners than cooking all the food yourself. Many people buy a bird or a ham already prepared, and the same is true for the side dishes.

Dear Abby: Recently, my wife suggested I write my own obituary (I am almost 80) as her parents did. Because I remember dates and places she didn’t know, I drafted the document. Everything in it is accurate, but I emphasized the positive and omitted the negative. Previous marriages? My wife thought mentioning them seemed like I was bragging, although it is factually accurate and the way I would like to be remembered. We haven’t been able to settle our differing views. What do you think? — Accurate in the West

Dear Accurate: Not everyone wants to advertise the fact that they have had multiple marriages, but facts are facts. If this is how you wish to be remembered, it is YOUR obituary. You have the deciding vote, and your wife should refrain from making any more editorial comments.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

She still drives and has recently had several fender benders. She also admitted to getting lost on her way home from the store and needing to call her brother to find her. A fall resulted in a broken wrist. She thinks this is funny and isn’t worried at all. She won’t disclose anything about her health care, so we can’t talk to her doctor.

My husband refuses to talk with his mom about plans for moving or getting more help at home, and my brother-in-law won’t intervene. Both have ordered me to step back. We live a day’s drive away, so if something happens, it’s going to be hard to get to her in a hurry. Why am I the only one worried, and what can I do? — Writing on the Wall

Dear Writing: Even though your husband and his family refuse to acknowledge that your MIL may need help and an intervention, it doesn’t mean she isn’t a danger to the community when she’s behind the wheel. Consider contacting the police department in her community to report your concerns. The local police can file an “unsafe driver” report to your state’s DMV, which may require your MIL to take a driving aptitude test. Depending on the results, the DMV may impose driving restrictions or revoke her license entirely.

Additionally, it sounds like your MIL is not the only one having difficulty accepting her diminished condition. Continue talking to your husband and encouraging action before there is a crisis. The decline you describe (falls, getting lost, fender benders) could be early warning signs of dementia or other cognitive decline, which may grow worse.

Even as you take difficult steps that will likely put you at odds with your husband and his family, encourage your MIL to remain active doing the things she loves, but in ways that will keep her and those around her safe.

The Alzheimer’s Association’s Dementia and Driving webpage offers tips and strategies to discuss driving concerns with a family member, and its helpline experts at 800-272-3900 are available 24/7 to discuss this as well as a variety of other topics you may face as a family with your MIL.

Dear Abby: A friend came to my home while she knew I was away on vacation. I had a trusted painter doing some work in the house. The friend came over, walked in as though I had given her permission and looked through the house. I know this because the painter mentioned it to me afterward. The painter was upset to learn she had deceived him, and I’m appalled by her incredibly rude behavior. Can and should a friendship continue after such an invasion? — Perturbed in Pennsylvania

Dear Perturbed: I don’t think so. I see no reason to cause a scene, but if I were you, I’d take three giant steps back.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

While their struggles persist, another close family member has recently had a baby. My daughter-in-law has chosen not to see this family member or the baby because of the emotional pain of not being able to conceive herself. My son, who I know is torn, is supporting his wife. Our visits with them never include the new mom, dad and baby. My son has met the baby twice on the down-low without my DIL.

Our hearts are heavy. Our nuclear family has always been close, but this is putting a strain on the rest of us, although we empathize with my DIL’s emotional pain. What advice can you offer for this situation? — Saddened in the East

Dear Saddened: Your daughter-in-law’s circle of friends (not to mention family) is going to shrink to nothing if she persists in hiding from anyone who has reproduced. Unless her religious beliefs discourage psychological counseling, she should absolutely reach out for some, and your son (who is already seeing the new baby on the down-low) should insist upon it.

Dear Abby: I have always had a great relationship with my in-laws. My father-in-law, “Jerry,” is a contractor who has generously helped us with renovations and other work around our condo. We moved to a house last year and expressed interest in a new bathroom floor. We bought all the materials and removed the old floor so he could install the new one.
When Jerry offered to buy us a new vanity, we thanked him and accepted. After ordering it, he now wants us to put some money toward the sink and faucet. (We also owe him for air fare to an out-of-state wedding.) My husband, “Eddie,” is mad and doesn’t want to give his dad anything because he says Jerry “can afford it,” while some months are more difficult for us. I don’t know if I can morally live with not giving my father-in-law what we owe him. — Indebted in New Jersey

Dear Indebted: And … the difference between you and Eddie is this: You have character, while your husband is ungrateful and entitled. Your father-in-law should be paid what is owed him. Warn Eddie that if he doesn’t cough up the money — on installments, if necessary — his father’s generosity is likely to “contract” and with good reason. Your husband should be ashamed of himself.

Dear Abby: Our next-door neighbor, “Fred,” retrieves his newspaper nude every morning about 4:30. We realized it after installing a Ring doorbell. Our video captures a very graphic image daily. Should we tell him? — X-Rated in the U.S.A.

Dear X-Rated: If your neighbor doesn’t realize he’s on camera, he deserves to know he’s overexposed. In this day and age, with the popularity of Ring, there are few secrets anymore. By all means, tell Fred — and when you do, offer to give him a print. (Or a pair of shorts.)

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

He wants me to quit my job and find a new one so we can make our relationship permanent in Ohio. I’m a sales support coordinator for a broker, and I have been with the company for some time. There’s no guarantee I could find a job that pays as well as this one does. He has his own business and also cares for his elderly aunt and uncle.

I want to be with him, but at my age (60), I’m hesitant to start a new job. Also, I’d be leaving my adult kids behind and would miss them dearly. It’s a dilemma because I want to be able to see my kids as often as we can, but I also love this man and want to share my life with him. How do I figure this out? — Hard Decisions to Make

Dear Hard Decisions: Your work is cut out for you. Before making any decisions, do some exploring. Would moving out of state guarantee that you would have to sacrifice your well-paying job? Many people work remotely these days, and it wouldn’t hurt to ask if it would be possible for you to do that with your current company. Are there similar job openings in the city where your gentleman friend lives?

Relocating to Ohio would not necessarily mean you would no longer see your adult children. They could visit, and the reverse is also true. Other families surmount this challenge and so could you. Give yourself some time to decide what is right for you.

Dear Abby: I am divorced and have an adult son. He hasn’t been back for four or five years. His dad had a heart attack, so my son took a few days to come home. I texted to see how his dad was doing and got only short responses. My son made no attempt to see me while he was here — not a one-hour visit or even a phone call.

I have never been so hurt. I am beyond devastated. I know it’s not about me, but I have feelings, and I feel like I don’t exist to either of them. My ex and I are both in relationships. Should I quit trying to communicate with my son? I don’t want to do this, but spin it any way you want, he didn’t want to see me. So, is it, “When a door closes, quit knocking”? I am crushed. What should I do? — Still Mom in Canada

Dear Mom: Your son’s visit was not about you. It was about his father who had suffered a heart attack and could have died. It’s entirely possible that your son had his hands full dealing with his dad and the circumstances surrounding his treatment and care. If you hadn’t seen your son in four or five years, you may not have been that close to begin with. Leave it alone. If you continue to pursue and personalize this, you will only drive your son further away.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

I wonder if I’m happy with my wife or if it would be better with someone else. I wonder if I’m staying with her for love or for comfort. I’m not sure. I keep questioning my identity and my life. Any advice? — Lacking Certainty in California

Dear Lacking Certainty: If you were getting everything you need from your marriage, you wouldn’t be “wondering” and reaching out to members of the opposite sex. It is important for you AND your wife that you find the answers to your very important questions.

Because you are unsure about the depth of your commitment to your wife as well as your identity, your next step should be to discuss this with a licensed mental health professional. Your doctor or health insurance company can refer you to someone who is qualified. Your local LGBTQ community center may also be able to help. Please don’t wait.

Dear Abby: A family friend, “Simone,” makes the time we spend together unbearable. She’s married to my husband’s best friend, “Earl.” We see them often and spend many holidays together. Before Earl married Simone, we thought she was a pretty normal person and a great match for him. Over time, we have come to realize that she’s anything but.

Simone is loud and dramatic, and she loves to be the center of attention. One example: One day, she sat down in a chair and immediately started to panic that she could not get out of the chair due to her size (she’s overweight). My husband and other friends were taken aback because it was visibly clear that she wasn’t stuck. She demanded that someone help her get up, and it was embarrassing to watch.

Also, if she doesn’t get her way, she resorts to talking like a baby or making a scene. She constantly complains about being sick. It happens every time she isn’t the center of attention. My husband and I and another couple are getting fed up being around her. My husband has been best friends with Earl since they were kids, so this is a tough situation. I’d love some advice. — Hard to Bear in the South

Dear Hard to Bear: Not all friendships last forever. The solution to your problem may be as simple as making yourself less available. Because your husband is on the same page as you and the other couple, it shouldn’t be too hard to start seeing Earl and Simone less often. When the men want to get together, they can do it without you. Try it, and it may bring you some relief.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

I love my sister and my nephew, which is why we are raising our families as a village. The problem is, we are seeing similar characteristics in my nephew’s behavior toward our daughters. He’s manipulative and a little “overly familiar” toward my eldest daughter. She looks up to him, and he uses it to get her to do what he wants.

Now my 7-year-old is emotionally abusing and ostracizing my 6-year-old. I’m torn because my gut tells me to move and get my girls away from my nephew, but he, too, is a child, and I want to continue to support him so he can grow into a decent man. However, I am not willing to sacrifice my girls for his potential. What to do? — Cautious Mom/Auntie

Dear Mom/Auntie: Your children must come before your sister’s son. Because your older daughter is now modeling her cousin’s misbehavior and acting out against her little sister, it’s time to discourage that behavior and limit, if not sever, the contact she has with her cousin before it creates lasting damage. You cannot save everyone. It is your duty to protect your daughters from any negative influence.

Dear Abby: My son and his wife are renting a property from me and my husband at a very reasonable rate in today’s not-so-reasonable world. We recently found out they got a cat, even though the lease they signed clearly states no pets are allowed.

My son said we are taking this personally instead of approaching this as landlords. How can we NOT take this personally? He and his new wife have broken our trust. The ironic thing is, if we approached this only as landlords, we would evict them immediately.

What can we say to get them to understand how hurt we are without ruining the relationship? They are expecting a baby soon. We have already gotten the “sorry, not sorry” text. This is tearing us up as parents. — Rules are Rules in Pennsylvania

Dear Rules: Tell your son you feel disrespected because he adopted a cat without clearing it with you. Although he may have said he wants you to act like the landlord you are, as a tenant, he is in violation of the terms of the lease he signed.

Whether or not you decide to give him and his wife an exception for their cat and allow them to keep the animal, PLEASE refer him to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention website (CDC.gov). Precautions must be taken by pregnant cat owners in order to avoid contracting toxoplasmosis, a parasitic infection, which can be passed to a fetus during pregnancy.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

Then COVID came along. Now he says after the pandemic is completely over. He has admitted he’s scared to get married again because he doesn’t want to be hurt like he was when his ex cheated on him. I told him I’m not like her. He says he knows that, and I’m the kindest, sweetest woman he’s ever met.

I love this man with all my heart. We get along fine. I have my wedding dress and shoes. I’m tired of his excuses. I’m almost ready to say the heck with it and sell my dress and shoes. Should I? Please give me some advice. — Never a Bride in New England

Dear Never a Bride: The COVID problem, with the many variants that keep cropping up, is likely to be with us for the foreseeable future. Tell your reluctant bridegroom you love him, but seven years is enough time for him to decide whether he wants to be married to you. You don’t need a special dress and shoes to accomplish that, just a heart full of love and a willing partner. A visit to the courthouse is all that’s required. If he still isn’t willing to set a date, and being married is what you need, then it’s time to move on.

Dear Abby: I am a divorced woman. My fiance, “Keith,” is a widower. My two younger children have accepted and love him. My oldest daughter is slowly coming around. However, Keith’s adult adopted sons and daughter are making it hard. One son has refused to have any contact with his father since his mom’s death three years ago. The other son and daughter have been causing A LOT of pain because of their hatred toward Keith and me.

Keith and I argue more now, and I’m so overwhelmed and stressed that I’m often in tears. What can I do to get his son and daughter off our case? We have known each other more than 20 years and have been a couple for a year and a half. — Unaccepted in Missouri

Dear Unaccepted: There is nothing you can do to change the attitudes of your fiance’s adult children. You can, however, stay out of the line of fire. I wish you had mentioned what caused the hard feelings from Keith’s children. Could they think you and Keith were romantically involved before his wife’s death?

Because this is causing the two of you so much stress and pain that it’s affecting your relationship, ask your physician to refer you to a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you both through this very unpleasant patch.

Dear Abby: What should I do when another married woman hugs my husband every time she sees him? — Bothered in Florida

Dear Bothered: If you complain to the woman, you risk being perceived as possessive and insecure. Ideally, your husband should tell her (privately) that he would appreciate it if she was less effusive when she sees him because it makes HIM uncomfortable.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

My siblings and I are all in our 60s and 70s and spread out across the U.S. We have diverse lifestyles, incomes, etc. Most of us can’t afford the kind of vacations this sibling writes about. Many of us also have personal, painful things going on in our lives, which we don’t really want to discuss.

Is it better to just not read the newsletter? I don’t believe this sibling means to be insensitive, and I don’t think I could ever bring the subject up for discussion. I just know I’m already dreading December’s letter. Please let everyone out there know: no more holiday newsletters. Thank you. — Unwanted Recap in the West

Dear Unwanted: Many folks send holiday newsletters because they are an easy way to stay in touch with friends and relatives they don’t see or communicate with often. The letters are often polished up — even embellished — because everyone wants to present their best image. Because these communications are often welcomed, I’m hesitant to advise readers not to send them. However, because you find them depressing, either shred them unopened or delete them if they arrive electronically.

Dear Abby: A month ago, when I invited a co-worker to a concert happening next month, he was so excited to go. But we had a big disagreement at work — and, since then, we haven’t found a way to get along. At this point, it might be more awkward than fun to go to a concert together, but I feel stuck. If I take back my invitation, he can hold that against me. If I don’t take it back, it could be an incredibly awkward night. Am I missing an option? What should I do? — Awkward in the Midwest

Dear Awkward: If you disinvite your co-worker it will create more bad feelings at work. If you follow through, the concert may provide an opportunity for the two of you to resolve your differences. I think it’s worth a try.

Dear Abby: My dad always wants to know what I’m doing and expects me to help him all the time. I invite him to events I’m having. I help him often because I’m his translator, since his English isn’t very good. We moved here almost 30 years ago.

My dad does not do the same for me. I am never invited anywhere and he never wants to tell me things. It’s like pulling teeth to get an “I love you” out of him. How do I approach him about this without upsetting him? He’s a very sensitive person. — One Invite in the West

Dear One Invite: It seems your father is not only “sensitive,” but also secretive and entitled. Most relationships are reciprocal; his relationship with you is not. This could be because of the culture in which he grew up. Because this bothers you, you need to tell your father how you FEEL about it. Nothing will be resolved unless you do.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

Irma has an old, needy, unfriendly cat (“Mehitabelle”) we have taken into our home during all of this. She hisses and growls at me constantly and won’t allow me to give her medication, which is required twice daily. Irma loves her kitty and asks about her often.

We have two cats of our own, so we created a home for Mehitabelle in an upstairs bedroom in an effort to keep all the cats in the house amicable. (She doesn’t get along with one of ours.) My wife and I have managed this so far, but things have grown dramatically worse.

In addition to her poor behavior, Mehitabelle refuses to use her litter box. We have set pads around the litter box and throughout the room, but it’s still a terrible mess to clean up every day and takes more than an hour. That cat has single-handedly ruined this section of our house by urinating all over the floors and furniture.

We have a beautiful home we’ve worked hard on, and it really hurts to see the animal ruin things. She has to go, as I see it, but Mom loves her cat. What do we do? — “Feline” Bad in Missouri

Dear “Feline” Bad: Mehitabelle doesn’t appear to like living with you any more than you like having her as a houseguest. If your mother-in-law’s home is close enough to yours that you could go there once a day, you might all be happier if the kitty was returned to her own territory rather than staying at your place. If you or your wife could arrange to give Mehitabelle her meds once a day and find someone else willing to see that she gets her second dose, the situation might be workable until your mother-in-law is released. Please consider it. It may save your sanity.

Dear Abby: I live with my best friend and his younger son. We get along well, but my friend’s older son is a meth and heroin addict. He has stolen from all of us, but his father refuses to ban him from the house, saying he refuses to give up on his boy. This is tearing their family apart, and I’m at my wits’ end emotionally. Please advise. — Losing My Mind in Ohio

Dear Losing: I am sorry, but if you value the possessions you have worked hard to acquire, you will have to move out in order to protect them. Tell your friend you don’t expect him to choose you over his drug-addicted son. Make clear that he and his younger son are welcome to visit you anytime, but you cannot ignore that his older boy is so caught up in his addiction that he can’t be trusted. Then follow through.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

My husband wants us to sell our home and move in with his parents. He says that way we can take care of them both with the caregivers who are there most of the day. He works full time and says the burden will mostly fall on me. Should I agree to this?

We are empty nesters, so this will affect no one but my husband and me. I’m leaning toward yes. But my husband has two sisters and a brother, and I’ll be doing something these others won’t do for their parents. I have already taken care of my parents as well as a sick brother and buried them all. I have no family left. Please, give me some advice. — Done This Before in Texas

Dear Done This:  A LOT more discussion needs to take place before you agree to this or not. As you stated, your husband has siblings. How much responsibility are they willing to take financially, if not with hands-on caregiving?

Your father-in-law could live longer than six months, becoming increasingly dependent upon physical care. When he’s gone, your mother-in-law’s mental health will diminish, and she will become increasingly helpless until her demise. People have been known to suffer with Alzheimer’s for many years. If you sell your home and move in with the in-laws, you may have some money, but you will have no freedom — and, if this proves to be too much for you, you may feel trapped.

Having done this for your parents and brother, you know what you will be facing. Do not allow yourself to be railroaded or guilted into shouldering this responsibility. If you have a trusted friend or adviser — a doctor, lawyer or clergyperson — run this scenario by them. Do NOTHING until you have thought this through.

Dear Abby: I have a friend I sometimes invite over for dinner. Invariably, when I offer him seconds, he’ll say “no thanks, but I’ll take it home.” The same thing happens if I offer him a beer or soda — “No thanks, but I’ll take it home.” It doesn’t feel right to me and I’m not sure how to express that I’m offering this NOW, not as a doggie bag. Or should I stop offering him seconds? He doesn’t have money issues, so he doesn’t need to do this. Do you think I’m overreacting? — Baffled in California

Dear Baffled: Yes, I do. That he wants to take the food you prepare home to enjoy the next day (I presume — unless he intends it to be a midnight snack) is a compliment. However, since it bothers you, tell him that if he isn’t going to eat it with you, your offer is rescinded.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

A month and a half after he moved, I found out she was pregnant. Her due date was nine months from when he moved out. He swears it’s not his child and that it’s his brother’s. I have tried to let it go because I can’t accuse him of lying just because of the timing of her pregnancy.

We were engaged once before, and I called it off because of this. He proposed to me again two years ago, and our wedding date is set for next year. I don’t want to call it off again, although this is still bothering me. He knows I was hurt by an ex-boyfriend who cheated on me in the past, and I think he knows if I find out the truth, I will leave him.

He treats this child like she’s his own, not a niece. He picks her up and takes her out for dinner and to the park and other stuff he doesn’t do for his other nieces or nephews. Should I let it go, or trust my gut? — Secret or Not in New York

Dear Secret: Tell your fiance you want him to consent to giving a sample of his DNA, as well as his favored niece’s, to be tested. His reaction will speak volumes. If he agrees, you will finally have the answers you are looking for. Do not go ahead with the wedding until you have that information.

Dear Abby: Every time my brother or another relative calls or visits, they deliver uninterruptible lectures on subjects we disagree on. There is no real conversation or exchange of ideas. I’ve told them I don’t discuss politics, etc., and interrupted their lecture (which I’ve heard many times before) to say I have to go, but they keep talking.

Once I said I was hanging up, but I’m not sure my brother heard me. He was angry and offended when I did. If I introduce a new topic in the middle of the lecture, they will morph it into something to lecture on within a minute. They never have facts or data behind their “what’s wrong with the world” views. The lectures become tense for both of us, as they try to “sell” their points of view and I become frustrated at the whole process. Any advice? — Sister Who’s Heard It All

Dear Sister: You stated that you have asked these relatives not to discuss topics that make you uncomfortable. Because they can’t resist doing it anyway, screen your calls and talk to them less often. Just because someone phones does not mean you must talk to them, but if you are trapped, tell the person you can talk only for 10 minutes. When that time has elapsed, say goodbye and hang up. If someone is offended by this, remind them that they were warned.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

The first cousin on my husband’s side is due to give birth, and my husband wants to skip my nephew’s first birthday party for her gender reveal party. My argument is, they have put no effort into our lives or our kids, so why would we miss an event for people who do. His argument is that they don’t ask for much and we see them only twice a year, so we should just go. Help! — Easy Decision in Minnesota

Dear Easy Decision: Not only do his relatives not ask for much, but they give absolutely nothing. Rather than argue about this, attend your nephew’s first birthday party and tell your husband to go to the gender reveal. Problem solved.

Dear Abby: I am a young woman who was born with cerebral palsy. As such, I struggle to run or walk at the same pace as others do, and I have an uneven sense of balance when carrying things. For my entire childhood, my parents insisted those around me treat me as if nothing was wrong.

I hope to become more independent (driving, college and the like), and sometimes I worry the physical strain will be too much for me. How do I swallow my pride and ask for some guidance? Who should I talk to? — Not Ready to Reach Out

Dear Not Ready: Asking for guidance should not involve swallowing your pride. Everyone has limitations in one area or another. One excellent place to look for guidance would be the student health center at the college you would be attending; another would be the Cerebral Palsy Foundation (yourcpf.org). Having the good sense to ask for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength and intelligence.

Dear Abby: My friend dresses like a slob. We were on a cruise and went to dine in one of the upscale restaurants on the ship. Because she was wearing jean shorts and an old, faded T-shirt, we were asked to leave. We will be going on another cruise soon, and I’m concerned she will do this again. Any advice for our next cruise so this won’t happen? — Embarrassed in Alabama

Dear Embarrassed: Before the next cruise, ask your friend what she plans to bring with her. Remind her that you had to leave the upscale restaurant because she wasn’t properly dressed, and suggest she bring a dress or skirt and blouse on the next trip “so neither of you will be embarrassed or inconvenienced.” Most cruise lines have a dress code that spells out what attire is required. If your friend checks the website of the carrier, she can easily determine what to bring.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

Our son continues to live here, and he pays no rent or anything else toward our living expenses. He literally lives the life of a teenage boy, although he’s almost 48. I pay all the household bills. He has a job and makes more than I do (my pension).

I do not want a boarder in my home, but I can hardly evict him. Our other four children are all successful, own their own homes and live the lives of responsible adults. Do I need a lawyer, or perhaps a backbone? — Over It in Ohio

Dear Over It: You may need both. Although it’s late, consider also engaging the services of a licensed marriage and family therapist. I don’t know what the laws about community assets in your state are, but a lawyer can enlighten you. Because your 48-year-old teenager has been living with you for so long, you may need one or both to pry him out of there.

Dear Abby: Forty years ago, my husband had an affair that left me emotionally damaged. I took him back when he asked, and we went on with our lives — well, HE did. Even today, if I hear a song from that time or her name, I freak out. When I remember how he told me he loved her, something inside me dies.

I went to counseling, but all I got from it was a bill I couldn’t afford. He treats me well and says “I love you” every day, yet the cut is still fresh and deep. Any suggestions? — Like Yesterday in Florida

Dear Like Yesterday: After 40 years of torturing yourself, the memory of your husband’s transgression has become ingrained. By holding onto this, you are only hurting yourself. You took him back after the affair but have never truly forgiven him, which is why you cannot let it go.

Consider consulting another licensed mental health professional to see if there is any way for you to obliterate the intrusive memory of his betrayal.

Dear Abby: A friend is throwing a joint birthday party for herself, her daughter, son-in-law and sister. Their birthdays all fall in the same month. I am close to all of them. This joint celebration has been a ritual for the past three years, and presents are expected.

I have come to feel that this is unfair. For a single-day, one buffet party, I must buy presents for four people. I’m considering buying one decent present and having it raffled off among the four. What do you think? By the way, this also happens a few months later for her husband and son. — Party Pooper in California

Dear Party Pooper: I think it’s fair IF all six people reciprocate when your birthday rolls around. If they don’t, then when your friend’s (the hostess’s) birthday arrives, skip the party, entertain her separately, for lunch perhaps, and give her her present then.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

However, months later, the insurance company raised the monthly premium for all employees. When my husband talked to his adult child about helping to pay their share of the premium, they avoided an answer, and the issue was dropped. My husband recently raised the subject again, and was met with the same avoidance and excuses about not working enough hours at their job. They are not a full-time college student, either.

Shortly after the conversation ended, this adult child took to social media to rant about what a jerk their dad is for asking them to help pay, and then also posted several accusations that were untrue. This hurt my husband deeply, and his attempts to communicate are being ignored.

My husband was never heavy-handed about it. He was hoping that, as a young adult, they would understand why they were being asked to assist with their health care. Instead, it has turned into a childish, disrespectful attack. My husband now wants to remove this adult child from his insurance entirely, and I agree, even knowing the possible ramifications.

Does this make us bad people? Is it wrong to ask a young adult to help with the cost of their medical needs? — Hurting for My Husband

Dear Hurting: Your husband’s child may be over 21, but they acted like a kid throwing a tantrum. Instead of appreciating what they have been given, they are demanding more. It would be a mistake to continue rewarding bad behavior. It wasn’t wrong to ask a young adult to contribute to the cost of their health insurance. Under the circumstances, removing this “child” from the insurance policy does not make you “bad” people; it makes you intelligent people.

Dear Abby: Ever since we first began dating, I told my wife I never wanted to own a dog. She seemed to be OK with it, but over the last 10 years, she has put intense pressure on me to get one. She now says she “doesn’t remember” our original conversation and says she never would have agreed to it.

She works, and I stay at home with the kids, so it would be my responsibility to take care of the pet, which I refuse to do. I feel physically sick around dogs, but because I don’t actively sneeze around them, she thinks I’m making up my sensitivity.

She is now rallying the kids against me. We live a transient lifestyle that would force us to kennel the dog for one to three months a year, which would cost money we don’t have. I’m tired of this conversation, and tired of feeling like I’m “ruining her life.” What should I do? — Dogless in Oklahoma

Dear Dogless: Since you are outvoted, ask your doctor to refer you to an allergist, a physician whose practice involves the diagnosis and treatment of allergies, because there are solutions to the problem.

Once that’s dealt with, INSIST before adopting a dog that YOUR CHILDREN be responsible for feeding, walking and training the animal — with penalties if they don’t. The responsibility will teach them lessons that will prove valuable when they are older.

As to what to do with the new family member during the time you’re traveling, either find pet-friendly places to stay or make it your wife’s task to find a boarding situation for “her” dog that won’t break the bank.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

I had concerns about the relationship, and I shared them with my son. She doesn’t drive, works only intermittently and displayed no desire to get to know me in the short time we had for my visit. Well, they ended up getting married behind our backs a few months ago.

What’s done is done. The only thing I want now is to have some kind of basic relationship with her. I have reached out multiple times, but she won’t budge. I love my son and, by extension, her. I don’t think I should be punished for bringing up my concerns. She refuses to communicate with me at all. — Wanting Basic Communication

Dear Wanting: The only person who can fix this is the person who started it — your son. You were within your rights as a mother to voice your concerns to him. He should not have run to his (then) girlfriend and blabbed. Although you say his wife refuses to communicate, I assume that he still does. Tell him that if he would like to have a relationship with his parents, and for them to function as grandparents, he needs to start smoothing this over with his bride. The ball is now in his court.

Dear Abby: I need advice about a friend who is constantly downcast and clinically depressed. I have tried praying for her, lifting her up and encouraging her, but to no avail. At this point, I feel like she is determined to stay this way.

Sometimes I have to distance myself for a while because seeing her is exhausting. I have known her for two years, and she’s always like this. Who DOESN’T have problems?! This is life. Sometimes we’re happy, sometimes we’re not.

She takes it personally and starts to question our friendship if I don’t call her, check on her or visit. It has become overwhelming for me. I honestly don’t have the energy for her. I have my family to be concerned about.

I recently told her that sometimes she can be “a bit much,” and not to take it personally if I’m not always available. I also said my focus has shifted because my kids have classes and I’m back at work. I really need some advice on what to do about her. — Strained Friendship in California

Dear Strained: You stated that your friend is “clinically depressed.” Has she been diagnosed by a medical professional? If the answer to that question is yes, you should be telling her she needs to consult her physician because, after two years, her depression has not improved.

If she HASN’T been formally diagnosed, point her in that direction, which would enable her to gain access to medications and/or therapy that might help her. Do not allow her to guilt you into doing anything that’s too much for you because, if you continue, your resentment will only increase.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

I’m also cautious about inviting them to visit here because I once asked them to housesit for me for four days, and I came home to roaches in my house. How do I break it to them gently that the sanitary conditions are troubling, and I don’t want to be in their home nor have them in mine? — Bugged in the Mid-Atlantic

Dear Bugged: You need to inform this relative that they have a serious insect problem. Roaches carry bacteria, funguses and molds, and also spread disease. Fortunately, with the help of a professional exterminator, an infestation can be handled — but not unless the problem is recognized and addressed.

If your relative is unaware that they caused an infestation in your home when they were housesitting, they should be told. And while you’re at it, recommend the name of the company you used to remedy the problem. You don’t have to say you don’t want to visit them or have them over, all you need to do is refuse their invitations and refrain from extending one.

Dear Abby: I just turned 22 and I have no idea what I’m doing! I want to go back to school, but school was so hard for me growing up, and I really don’t want to go through it all again. The only reason I didn’t quit was because of my mom, but, like I said, I’m 22 now, and I can’t depend on her forever. I feel like I should have accomplished a lot more by the time I got to this age, but I haven’t. What should I do to get my life on the track I want? — No Clue in the West

Dear No Clue: You are no longer the unwilling student you were when you were younger. Now you are an adult, and you may find you are more motivated to acquire the knowledge you need to succeed and are better able to concentrate.

A way to find what you may be best suited for would be to contact the career counseling department of your local college or university and inquire about taking aptitude tests. It isn’t free, but it’s worthwhile because it may point you in a direction you hadn’t considered before. There is also the option of a vocational school, because, as you already know, people develop at their own pace.

Dear Abby: My bride of two months, whom I love dearly, is very negative every time we try to make a plan. Whether it be traveling or house projects, she puts roadblocks in the way. Nothing gets accomplished, so I let her take the lead, and then nothing happens. She reads her book and does nothing. If I start a project after waiting to see if she’s going to do SOMEthing, she wants to throw a monkey wrench in my project. What do I do? — Stuck in Place in Florida

Dear Stuck: If you don’t want this to be your future, what you “do” is confront your bride before this destroys your marriage. The behavior you describe seems like passive-aggressiveness on her part — and it isn’t healthy. Marriage and family therapy to help improve your level of communication would be money well spent.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

We are now going through a divorce. I have been cut off from my 13-year-old son, and I don’t know how to reconnect. He’s the youngest of my kids, and he’s very special to me because he is adopted, as was I. I need help. I’m not good at asserting myself. Please help me because my heart is broken. — Needs Help in Pennsylvania

Dear Needs Help: The individuals who can provide the help you are looking for would be your divorce lawyer and a licensed mental health professional. The former will see to it that your legal rights as a parent are enforced; the latter can help you become more assertive as well as, hopefully, reconnect with your youngest child. Your heart may be broken, but it will heal more quickly if you start now.

Dear Abby: Out of nowhere, my husband announced he thinks we should unfriend each other on Facebook. I got upset and told him it would make me feel insecure about us, because I think there is no reason for it. I find it very suspicious, and if there is a reason, I think we should split up. He unfriended me anyway. He called me closed-minded and said I value Facebook over our marriage. Is he right? — Social-Media Minded in Georgia

Dear S.M.M.: No, he’s not right. Your husband’s announcement was a red flag. When a spouse does what your husband has done, it’s usually because he doesn’t want his partner to see what he is posting and doesn’t want to be monitored.

You need to discuss this further so he can explain his reasons. If the discussion is not productive, offer your husband the option of counseling with a licensed marriage and family therapist. If he refuses, consult an attorney so your interests will be protected.

Dear Abby: Our church has a potluck every Saturday. How do we deal with the freeloaders — an adult family of three — who never bring anything? They jump up to be first in line, don’t help clean up and never fail to take leftovers home with them. They act like they deserve free meals. We are a small church and could use an extra dish, help in cleaning up, etc. Thank you for your advice. — Outraged in Oregon

Dear Outraged: “Someone” — preferably, but not necessarily, the religious leader of your church — should take the family aside privately and explain the “rules” to them. It may not happen until the rest of you complain about what’s going on. If that family cannot afford to bring a dish, the least they could do is assist with cleaning up.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

My fiance isn’t very verbal about his desires, but we talk with each other every day and we live together about half the time. I want to make sure he isn’t lonely and isn’t wanting more when we’re apart, but I’m not an openly sexual person, and I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable engaging in video chat intimacy with him. I have raised the topic with him. He suggested I write to you and see what you suggest. — Long-Distance Wife-to-Be

Dear Wife-to-Be: If you both agree, I’m suggesting you and your fiance give it a try. If you do, it may not only enhance your married life but also teach you both how to discuss what you need from each other, which could only bring you closer.

Dear Abby: My husband of six years has left me for my sister. I’m brokenhearted because I thought he was the love of my life. I thought the six years we had together were wonderful for both of us.

I don’t know how to continue on. My mental health is at an all-time low. Friends have tried to reach out to me, but I push them away because I no longer trust anyone. I’m afraid they, too, will hurt me. I am no longer in contact with my sister.

Should I allow my friends to comfort me, even when I have issues with them? Or should I try to heal on my own? My life is in ruins, and I can’t seem to rise up from it. — Broken in the Carolinas

Dear Broken: Friends reach out because they care about you and want to support you. Please give them a chance to do that. If you have a religious adviser, talk to that person as well. Your life may seem like it has sunk to an all-time low, but it isn’t over unless you allow it to be.
Your ex may have seemed like the love of your life, but please know you can do better. Dogs are more loyal than he was. Once you have accepted that fact, you may be able to move on. Talking to a licensed psychotherapist would be an excellent step. You CAN heal from this, but not until you make up your mind to allow it.

Dear Abby: I am writing you for two reasons. I am 60 years old and still a virgin. I like men, but I’m not much interested in dating. Is this normal? The second reason is, lately, I have been thinking about my mortality. I have promised myself for years that I would get a Bath and Body Works holiday package. It’s $30 with a $30 purchase, so $60. I have rolled my coins and have more than $60. I’m not a wealthy woman. What do you think? — Bucket List in the East

Dear Bucket List: Not everyone has a strong sex drive. That you are still a virgin at 60 is normal for YOU, so stop worrying about it. As to the holiday gift you would like to give yourself, I say go for it. You only live once, so splurge and cross it off your bucket list with my blessing.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

I am now on my own and pay everything on time, but my credit is still poor. I have been dating someone for 2 1/2 years. He has no children. He has a college degree but no savings at all, and he’s $80,000 in debt. He lavishes me with gifts for birthdays. He’s madly in love with me and incredibly kind and thoughtful. The sex is good, but I don’t love him as much as he loves me. Our politics are opposite. He loses his temper now and then, and his finances are a mess. I have broken it off seven times.

He’s now selling his house and planning on moving in with me. I have an engagement ring, and I’m afraid of what it will do to him if I end it again. I’m also afraid of being alone. We get along well and have fun, but I don’t want the money worry. I know he would split the bills, but my income is small and will shrink further when my alimony is done. Help! — Money Mess in Michigan

Dear Money Mess: Before this relationship goes a step further, PLEASE discuss the implications with an attorney! You have hooked up with yet another financially irresponsible man. You may “know” he would split the bills when he moves into your home, but you’ll have no guarantee unless you have it in writing, reviewed by an attorney and notarized.

It goes without saying that if you actually would consider marrying this person (in the near or distant future), you will need a prenuptial agreement in place. There are worse things than being alone, and one of them would be to tie yourself to someone who can’t control his temper and can’t handle money.

Dear Abby: I had an unfortunate incident at my son’s wedding 11 years ago, for which I feel people are still judging me. I was sick in the months before my son’s wedding and had just returned to work. The week of the wedding, my husband was in the hospital. He was discharged the morning of the wedding, with IV antibiotics to be given at home by me for several weeks. The wedding was big and beautiful. Classy.

During the reception, my husband’s family read a poem they had written about my husband’s medical problem to those in attendance. I was upset and decided to calm down by taking a walk around the neighborhood. While I was walking, the dance with my son was called, but I wasn’t there. Instead of rescheduling for when I returned, my mother-in-law danced with my son. This was deeply upsetting to find out afterward. I don’t think my husband should have let his mother do that. What are your thoughts? — Can’t Let It Go in the Midwest

Dear Can’t Let Go: I think what’s past is past, what’s done is done, and you should stop dwelling on something you cannot change. If there is fault to be found, you all own a share of it. Now let it go.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com

These two stepdaughters are rude to their dad. Unless it’s almost a holiday or they need money, they never call or text him. If we disagree with anything they say, they don’t bring the girls around for months or answer calls or texts.

We have given them a LOT of money, and we buy all the gifts for the kids. When we asked what the girls want for their birthdays, one stepdaughter said a dollhouse that cost almost $200, which is a lot for a birthday. When we said that seems more like a Christmas gift, she got upset.

I have told my husband that at this point I’m done and will no longer keep paying to see my grandkids, but he insists he’s not giving up on the grandkids. I am not saying to “give up,” but it breaks my heart to keep going through this. Any advice would be helpful. — Mrs. ATM

Dear Mrs. ATM: How sad. Your stepdaughters (both!) aren’t
bothering to even be subtle about their emotional blackmail, which borders on elder abuse. The only way to break the cycle is to refuse to allow it. However, if your husband can’t be convinced, there is nothing you can do to stop what’s happening. Most clear-thinking individuals stop doing things that don’t work once they wake up to that fact. But as long as your husband lets his emotions dictate his actions, nothing will change.

Dear Abby: For the last seven years, I have lived in an apartment with a strange next-door neighbor. I don’t speak to her because, years ago, she got angry with me when someone left packages for her with me. The bags arrived open, and I assumed keeping them for her was OK. She was furious and accused me of looking inside. She added that “people don’t usually give you all the things they were holding for you.”
I was shocked and asked her how I could make up for my mistake, thinking I had overstepped being neighborly. Since then, she posts notes on her front door saying, “Do not leave my packages with my neighbor!”

Should I do something else to apologize? Send her a gift card? I did not — and never would — take anything of hers, but she must think I did. I’m afraid to speak to her, but I would like her to know that I’m not a bad person. Is that asking too much? — Gentle Southern Woman

Dear Gentle: You did nothing you need to apologize for, so stop trying to win your neighbor’s approval. She is someone to avoid as much as possible. She may have a paranoia problem that existed before she ever met you. Consider talking to the building manager about what happened. If you do, it may reassure you to know that you’re not the only renter who has had problems with her. Sadly, this is a case of “no good deed goes unpunished.”

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com