Taylor Swift?
Bruce Springsteen?
Beyoncé?
Put them at the bottom of the marquee.
After the word “with.”
They are pedestrian lounge acts compared to the mega superstar returning to Gillette Stadium this weekend.
The “Tom Brady 2023 Victory Tour” opens in Foxboro on Sunday.
The Jacksons’ 1984 Victory tour doomed the Sullivan family financially when it owned the Patriots in the Bad Old Days.
Brady’s 2023 Victory Tour will fatten Robert Kraft’s wallet. But it carries an incalculable cost.
Tom Brady Day marks the end of three-way hostilities between Brady, his former coach and their boss.
But this is no cease fire. It’s a capitulation.
The deck of the USS Missouri.
Yorktown.
Appomattox.
The “Lost Cause” is over.
Brady won.
(Social Media Fake Outrage Alert Disclaimer: We’re not alluding to anyone being sympathetic toward, or in line with Imperial Japan, the British Empire, or the Confederacy. It’s about winning and losing.)
Brady left New England and went scorched earth through Atlanta and the rest of the NFC South for three seasons, earning three playoff berths, two division titles, and a seventh Super Bowl ring.
Since Brady’s exit, all that was “The Patriot Way” and the mystique inside the “Kremlin on Route 1” dissipated quicker than the Soviet Union.
Kraft is apologizing to season ticket holders.
Belichick bottled up 20 year’s worth of excuses and has since used them all during the past three
years. And he’s taken plenty of days off.
Brady?
He kept winning. Kept throwing. Kept completing passes. Kept stacking TDs. Shattering milestones as if they were candied glass.
Brady’s nightmare season of 2022 ended with a losing record, a division title and a home playoff game.
A home playoff game?
That’s something we haven’t seen in Foxboro for 1,343 days. The Patriots continue their longest run without a postseason victory in 26 years every day until their next playoff win.
Sure, Brady tapped out in 2019 and colluded with the Dolphins. But only after the Patriots tapped out on Brady.
Since Brady left in 2020, the 24-25 Patriots went through Cam Newton, Brian Hoyer, Jarrett Stidham, Bailey Zappe and Mac Jones as potential Brady replacements as if they were chain smoking at an AA meeting.
Jones was evidence of Belichick’s post-Brady Brilliance after his successful rookie campaign. Jones’ sophomore struggles suddenly made him a quarterback that Belichick never really wanted but was forced to take by his owner.
Brady “sucked” enough to retire after last season (for now), the then-45-year-old GOAT still led the NFL in pass attempts and completions.
And to think Belichick drafted the first of four would-be Brady replacements in 2005. Matt Cassel. The late Ryan Mallet. (May He Rest In Peace.) Jimmy Garoppolo. Stidham.
Brady outmaneuvered the Hoodie each time.
Then there was “Expletive” Johnny Foxboro.
Gisele is probably still fuming about that one.
Brady says his family will join him in Foxboro on Sunday.
No word if Brady’s brood includes his former spouse, Jack’s mom, or anyone else from the cast of “Blue Bloods.”
Whatever animosity that once allegedly existed between Brady and his former bosses has been feverishly buried by all sides. They’ve been swapping metaphorical spit for months.
“The greatest player in the history of the game played right here in Foxboro,” Kraft said following Brady’s second retirement this past February.
Belichick unequivocally lauded Brady twice on Monday. And he managed to do so without mentioning Lawrence Taylor as a modifier.
Who says you can’t teach an old coach new tricks?
“Tom has meant so much to this team, this organization and me personally. It was a tremendous
experience to be able to coach him and for us to share the things that we shared together, a lot of
player-coach relationship,” Belichick said during a video conference call. “Recognizing him for all of his great achievements here is more than appropriate.”
Brady remains magnanimous.
“I love the sport, and I love the Patriots. So, going up there to see a lot of my friends and family
is going to be a great experience,” he said on his “Let’s Go” podcast.
Brady should enter the stadium Sunday aboard Scott Zolak’s unicorn. Shed his cape unveiling a full uniform. Then sign a one-day contract using Jonathan Kraft’s back as an impromptu table. And light up the Eagles for 505 yards, 3 TDs and no picks, like he did Super Bowl 52.
Unfortunately, Belichick would probably bench Matthew Judon this time and the Patriots would still lose.
Oh, well.
Hopefully, this won’t be the last visit on “Brady Victory Tour” this season. The Patriots should wring every dollar they can out of this.
How about:
Week 2 vs. Miami: No. 12 Jersey Retirement Day
Week 5 vs. New Orleans: Teammate Tribute Day
Week 7 vs. Buffalo: Win A Date With Tom Day
Week 9 vs. Washington: Brady Highlight Day
Week 10 vs. Indianapolis in Germany: International Tom Brady Appreciation Day
Week 13 vs. LA Chargers: Tom Brady Bobblehead Day
Week 15 vs. Kansas City (Monday Night): An Intimate Evening With 7 Rings
Week 18 vs. NY Jets: Tom Brady Statue Day
And speaking of the Tom Brady statue, size matters.
If Brady’s statue doesn’t have its own gravitational pull, is not visible from at least 48 states, or does not force air traffic and the Space Station to be re-routed, consider that an insult to his legacy.
The Lighthouse? That can be the left pinky toe.
Welcome back, Tom.
You have been missed.
Bill Speros (@RealOBF and @BillSperos) can be reached at bsperos1@gmail.com
